So, this weekend Collin’s 8th Birthday patty happens. I took the week off due to early release, his birthday, his party, and the MLK holiday. Despite being off, my stress level is maxed out. My face looks like nothing short of a pepperoni pizza (can we have a moment of silence for all the times we thought we wouldn’t still have breakouts at 30?) and my house has never been cleaner.
Yes, I said it.
I’m a terrible housewife. Between working 25-30 hours a week at my “normal job” I run my Etsy shop and Facebook business as well, which is also at least 25 hours a week give or take. So most of the time, dishes in the sink and unmopped floors is just a reality. It drives me absolutely bonkers, but what else is new.
But lately, I am freaking out about every bit of clutter. I want it all gone. I want the flora mopped and the random home improvement projects wrapped up. I wanted the carpets shampooed and the broken freezer out of the backyard. I want the banisters scrubbed and the baseboards painted.
Also, i had 0 open orders in my Etsy shop yesterday and now I have 2 open and its killing me. I have other things I have to focus on so they will wait a few days but seriously! There were times I had 30-35 and there was no amount of fire under my butt that could motivate me.
So my therapist told me it sounded like early nesting. But it isn’t that. I know exactly what it is.
It’s control.
I have had control issues since I was a teenager. Being in a state of chaos growing up made me develop multiple habits that allowed to me to feel like I had control over something. Some minor, some major. Luckily all in my post now. However, that urge to get things in order truly is peaking right now because I know the next few months are going to be a huge ball of crap O can’t control. I can’t control how the medications will treat me. I can not control how many embryos we end up with. I can not control how many embryos come back normal. I can not force my uterus tonhappily accept these babies no matter how hard I try.
I can do everything right. No hot baths, no caffeine, no strenuous lifting, resting, keeping calm, acupuncture, injections at the same time everyday... but I can not control this. I have no idea what’s ahead. I can not control how many babies will come out of this. Our plan is to transfer 2 embryos, but that could land us anywhere from 0-4 babies! (3&4 are extremely rare, so I am definitely not too worried about that) but seriously! This is the most out of control I have ever felt.
So, if I turn down your invite for coffee or tell you I can’t manage a baby shower right now, please bear with me. I swear I am just going crazy and it’s definitely not you, it’s really me.
If I go a few days without talking or posting, I am probably ok, but reaching out wouldn’t be a bad thing. I know I need to slow down. I am exhausted.
15 days.
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
The First Post
So here we are. 30 days away from possibly one of the most important appointments of our lives.
I made this appointment 4 1/2 months ago. I remember feeling like it was so far way, yet here we are.
It's starting to feel real. I feel like even though we went through all these steps, that this wasn't really going to happen. It's happening. It's real.
I wanted to kind of use this first post as an explanation again of our issues and what we have been through, and how I plan to use this blog as time progresses.
Basically, in 2012 after our 3rd miscarriage in a row, we found out that Eric was a carrier of a Robertsonian Balanced Translocation. We saw a geneticist who gave us options, we went to a fertility specialist that gave us options, but after our 8 loss we took a small break and I haven't been able to get pregnant since.
Our biggest hope in all of this was always IVF with PGS. It was always our best option even when we were getting pregnant easily. What is IVF with PGS? Well, instead of the traditional protocol with IVF, there is an extra step involved. Once the embryos reach a certain stage, they are sent to a lab. The lab pulls a single cell from the embryo, places it under a microscope and counts the chromosomes. It checks for unbalanced translocations of all types. The ones that test positive are discarded (they aren't viable with life in our case) and they give us the count of "normal" embryos. We have the option to find out the sex and which ones we will insert for hopeful implantation.
It all sounds easy right? All wrapped up nice.
Well, you have to figure in a lot of things. First of all., most women drop one egg per cycle. We will be doing ONE cycle (as most women) so they will stimulate the hell out of my ovaries via a medication protocol. The meds for one cycle are THOUSANDS of dollars and must be done at a certain time every day. Most of these meds are done by injection at home. I do not know my protocol yet (of course) but some patients have to do up to 5 injections a day. Once the transfer embryos back into me, I will be on progesterone injections until I am 10 weeks pregnant. Those are the worst because it is an oil you have to inject so it's very thick. The reason you are on it so long, is because your body doesn't realize you're pregnant and will not make progesterone on it's own until the placenta starts making it.
For egg retrieval, I will be put under general anesthesia. There are risks associated with that as well as risks with stimulation my body so aggresively with meds. You can actually overstimulate and end up in the hospital. So we are obviously hoping that doesn't happen.
If I get pregnant, I will have a series of blood tests to make sure my HCG is increasing the way it should. I will have a few ultrasounds at my fertility clinic before I "graduate" to a regular OB.
If the transfer doesn't work but I still have embryos left, we can just do transfers again. If it fails and I have no embryos left, we are finished. If we retrieve and all embryos are unbalanced, we are done.
Because of the stress of all of this, as time goes on I may not share everything. My plan is to still blog but keep the entries private until we are ready to share. We still want the excitement of announcing. We still want time privately to grieve if it doesn't work. We still want the excitement of announcing gender.
I am unaware of how much I will want to share. I know for sure we will share up until I start meds.
We are so thankful for all of you that have stood by us. Please keep us in your prayers as we start on this journey. <3
I made this appointment 4 1/2 months ago. I remember feeling like it was so far way, yet here we are.
It's starting to feel real. I feel like even though we went through all these steps, that this wasn't really going to happen. It's happening. It's real.
I wanted to kind of use this first post as an explanation again of our issues and what we have been through, and how I plan to use this blog as time progresses.
Basically, in 2012 after our 3rd miscarriage in a row, we found out that Eric was a carrier of a Robertsonian Balanced Translocation. We saw a geneticist who gave us options, we went to a fertility specialist that gave us options, but after our 8 loss we took a small break and I haven't been able to get pregnant since.
Our biggest hope in all of this was always IVF with PGS. It was always our best option even when we were getting pregnant easily. What is IVF with PGS? Well, instead of the traditional protocol with IVF, there is an extra step involved. Once the embryos reach a certain stage, they are sent to a lab. The lab pulls a single cell from the embryo, places it under a microscope and counts the chromosomes. It checks for unbalanced translocations of all types. The ones that test positive are discarded (they aren't viable with life in our case) and they give us the count of "normal" embryos. We have the option to find out the sex and which ones we will insert for hopeful implantation.
It all sounds easy right? All wrapped up nice.
Well, you have to figure in a lot of things. First of all., most women drop one egg per cycle. We will be doing ONE cycle (as most women) so they will stimulate the hell out of my ovaries via a medication protocol. The meds for one cycle are THOUSANDS of dollars and must be done at a certain time every day. Most of these meds are done by injection at home. I do not know my protocol yet (of course) but some patients have to do up to 5 injections a day. Once the transfer embryos back into me, I will be on progesterone injections until I am 10 weeks pregnant. Those are the worst because it is an oil you have to inject so it's very thick. The reason you are on it so long, is because your body doesn't realize you're pregnant and will not make progesterone on it's own until the placenta starts making it.
For egg retrieval, I will be put under general anesthesia. There are risks associated with that as well as risks with stimulation my body so aggresively with meds. You can actually overstimulate and end up in the hospital. So we are obviously hoping that doesn't happen.
If I get pregnant, I will have a series of blood tests to make sure my HCG is increasing the way it should. I will have a few ultrasounds at my fertility clinic before I "graduate" to a regular OB.
If the transfer doesn't work but I still have embryos left, we can just do transfers again. If it fails and I have no embryos left, we are finished. If we retrieve and all embryos are unbalanced, we are done.
Because of the stress of all of this, as time goes on I may not share everything. My plan is to still blog but keep the entries private until we are ready to share. We still want the excitement of announcing. We still want time privately to grieve if it doesn't work. We still want the excitement of announcing gender.
I am unaware of how much I will want to share. I know for sure we will share up until I start meds.
We are so thankful for all of you that have stood by us. Please keep us in your prayers as we start on this journey. <3
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