Stress Level - Expert

So, this weekend Collin’s 8th Birthday patty happens. I took the week off due to early release, his birthday, his party, and the MLK holiday. Despite being off, my stress level is maxed out. My face looks like nothing short of a pepperoni pizza (can we have a moment of silence for all the times we thought we wouldn’t still have breakouts at 30?) and my house has never been cleaner.

Yes, I said it.

I’m a terrible housewife. Between working 25-30 hours a week at my “normal job” I run my Etsy shop and Facebook business as well, which is also at least 25 hours a week give or take. So most of the time, dishes in the sink and unmopped floors is just a reality. It drives me absolutely bonkers, but what else is new.

But lately, I am freaking out about every bit of clutter. I want it all gone. I want the flora mopped and the random home improvement projects wrapped up. I wanted the carpets shampooed and the broken freezer out of the backyard. I want the banisters scrubbed and the baseboards painted.

Also, i had 0 open orders in my Etsy shop yesterday and now I have 2 open and its killing me. I have other things I have to focus on so they will wait a few days but seriously! There were times I had 30-35 and there was no amount of fire under my butt that could motivate me.

So my therapist told me it sounded like early nesting. But it isn’t that. I know exactly what it is.

It’s control.

I have had control issues since I was a teenager. Being in a state of chaos growing up made me develop multiple habits that allowed to me to feel like I had control over something. Some minor, some major. Luckily all in my post now. However, that urge to get things in order truly is peaking right now because I know the next few months are going to be a huge ball of crap O can’t control. I can’t control how the medications will treat me. I can not control how many embryos we end up with. I can not control how many embryos come back normal. I can not force my uterus tonhappily accept these babies no matter how hard I try.

I can do everything right. No hot baths, no caffeine, no strenuous lifting, resting, keeping calm, acupuncture, injections at the same time everyday... but I can not control this. I have no idea what’s ahead. I can not control how many babies will come out of this. Our plan is to transfer 2 embryos, but that could land us anywhere from 0-4 babies! (3&4 are extremely rare, so I am definitely not too worried about that) but seriously! This is the most out of control I have ever felt.

So, if I turn down your invite for coffee or tell you I can’t manage a baby shower right now, please bear with me. I swear I am just going crazy and it’s definitely not you, it’s really me.

If I go a few days without talking or posting, I am probably ok, but reaching out wouldn’t be a bad thing. I know I need to slow down. I am exhausted.

15 days.